Why I Write

Why I Write

I wanted to take a minute to address the reason why I write, and specifically the parameters I choose to work within. When I first began this blog I had no idea what I was doing. The beginning coincided with the most intense phase of my confidence and eating struggles, and was a strange supplement to that time of my life. I feel like my writing then was sparse and hidden. Definitely reflecting my way of being - I was in denial about my health, and anxious about pretty much everything else.

Then came the blog post that changed everything. After being in therapy for over a year, I had begun to taste what life felt like to constantly show up to treating myself with the respect I deserve. So one morning, I sat down at my computer, and wrote a stream of thought type post. It outlined the fact that I was sick of trying to fit in with societies ideas of what I should be. Life was now about choosing to live. Upon completion, I added it to my queue, and promptly forgot about it. Waking up that next morning to that level of personal messages and media attention blew me away. I did not realize that what I wrote was worthy of that much attention. The fact that it was, made me aware of how much work needs to be done for those with a platform to live as transparently as possible. And that women need to be given permission to exist at a healthy size. This definitely shaped the direction my blog (and to some extent my life) took after from that point onwards.

When it comes to writing this blog, I never focus on getting viral attention. I try to keep everything introspective and relevant to making a positive effect. As lame as it sounds, if I get one person feeling better after reading my writing, I think the post reached its goal (sorry). It is within this vein that I want to focus this post on. Namely; I make a concerted effort to not single out individuals, point fingers, or make anything sensationalist. I have zero interest in pointing fingers at brands within the fashion industry. I have zero interest in placing blame on individuals I have worked with. If you go back through my posts, you will notice that I never once assign identity to anything I write about. There have been moments where I have considered it. You will be surprised to note that it is unlikely that the greater public know the individuals who have tempted me to step beyond my moral boundaries. But I have never gone there. The thought of dragging another persons name through the mud for attentions sake, will never sit well with me. I always want to do better.

I do not believe in making progress through attacking. Over the years I have held many beliefs in hostile environments, beliefs that have required me to defend myself. And as I grew older I learned that never once did I succeed in getting people to listen when I set them on the defensive. I take this energy into my blog when I write about my experiences. I love my job as a model. Obviously, there have been moments where it has sucked me dry. But there have been many more moments where it has lifted me up, and shown me the world in a way that I could never have experienced. Every set I get to work with some truly amazing people, and count myself beyond lucky to have this experience. I would never wish to hurt anybody within the fashion world.

This sentiment is the reason why I do not ever wish to attack, or create sensationalist click bait in the media. Behind every article is a person being attacked. And I have been that person many times. No matter how thick your skin is, it still smarts whenever someone thinks they have a right to comment on you personally. When I took time off from writing earlier this year, I had burned out mentally. I was in the habit of reading articles written about me (including those toxic AF comment sections) and whilst I found it amusing on the surface, with accumulation came pain. Reading people attack you online hits you subconsciously. So I took time out. And when I felt strong enough to return, I decided that the only way I would keep going was if I never read another article about me again. So far so good.

I do not have any control over how what I write is interpreted by the world at large. I try my hardest to articulate my experiences respectfully and with the intention of making positive change, but once I click post, things tend to grow legs of their own. Therefore, I ask my readers to please remember that the original article is waiting to be read. Take the time to get a sense of what I am saying, and realize what has been inserted by reporters with deadlines.

At the end of the day, this is not an attack blog. This will never be an attack blog. There are plenty of those out there, along with plenty of people who are far more articulate under fire than me to do the fighting. I do not wish for this blog to alienate anybody within the fashion industry. I do believe that there is a huge amount of work and change that needs to be done – a point that I do not shy away from. I am not afraid of saying what I feel needs to be done. However I have no interest in ever placing blame wholly on one person, or company. I believe in the good inside of everyone. And I believe in the power of a collective experience.

I always want to focus on inclusivity and empowerment. We all make mistakes. We have all been subject to poor judgement. However to be defined by this for our entire lives is wrong. To be human is to accept our mistakes, forgive those who did us wrong, and to grow together.

I believe that this makes the world better.

Much love,


Photograph | Max Papendieck

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