I’M BACK !
Hi everyone - welcome back to some regularly scheduled programming. I’ve found some mental space and thankfully, out of it has come a desire to start writing again. Certainly over my time I have found that the most graceful way forward has always come from a stepping back. Clarity comes only when you make space for it.
Backing up a bit, this year has been pretty insane. In a wonderful way, but it has certainly taken its toll on me. And my writing has changed as a result. My previous way of blogging was beginning to ring false. I found myself writing the same posts over and over again, for the wrong reasons, and my intentions were a little too separated from the final result.
The older I get, the less I realize I know. I have had to work very hard to stop trying to find one definitive answer to each of my problems. And my blogging was previously at odds with this. I loved writing a lovely post delivered with a bow, containing some juicy information about my past. All of it was coming from an honest place, and with a genuine desire to create positive change in the world. But I kept finding that life is relentless. Everything changes, including how I felt in moment. I began to realize that the way I was blogging, was causing me more damage than good.
It was time for a break.
My history of anxiety, self hate, and general dis ease has laid a big part of me wide open to addictive tendencies. I am proud of how far I have come in recovery. This year I have some real time (two years) in recovery from my eating disorder. I have even more time (five years) free of anti anxiety and sleep medication.
However, life this year has been significantly busier than the previous two years. I am working a lot, both modeling and on a business that I am excited to launch soon. I have also been writing a book, and I am at college, working on my bachelors. Amidst all this, the travel has been relentless, triggering my anxiety attacks.
It became apparent to me recently, that another previously borderline bad habit of mine was headed to a bad place. I have written about my alcohol use in the past, and I fully intend to dedicate proper blog posts to alcohol sobriety in the future. But I do feel that it is finally time for me to broach this topic publicly. Just for some background, binge drinking comes naturally to me. Coupled with an old part of me that feels perpetually worthless, it had at times become a social crutch. It gave me a voice when I felt like I had no right to one.
But that social crutch developed into a drive, and I found myself needing it more. Whilst I never skipped a job from being hungover, or went to set hungover or drunk (I want to drive this point home – I never wanted to be the reason why I failed with modeling and have always taken it very seriously), my hours off work were colored by my subpar drunken behavior. I was letting my school work slide, I was shirking my responsibilities in my business and I was blocked in my writing. I was running away from important conversations and decisions in my personal life. I was always angry. And I reached a point where I knew I would lose everything I held dear to me, if I continued at this rate.
So now I am sober. This is new for me. The only time in the past when I didn’t drink, was when my eating disorder was bad. And now I have neither form of self containment. I am wholly existing in every single emotion and feeling that life throws my way. It is a gnarly ride.
And I am unblocked. I have a lot to say again.
Living completely unguarded has been fascinating. There is no longer anything between my thoughts, emotions and reactions. And I now have an interesting warning signal. Whenever I feel the urge to skip a meal, or have a drink, I know that it is time to reassess what my life is presenting to me. It is a sign that I am trying to dip out of a responsibility to a feeling, and to escape myself. Actually sitting with the bad feelings, and riding them out is a new one for me. It fucking sucks at times. But then it gets better. Like most things.
I really like attaching my drive to vices. I believe that we all do this to some degree – it is part of being a human. Some of us do it more effectively than others. I am a masterful addiction swapper. When I quit drinking, I took up coffee and salt and vinegar chips with a vengeance. Which really irritated my stomach and shot my anxiety up to new levels. So I quit those too. Now it seems I am addicted to sleep, but I figure that is a normal reaction to a tired body finding a new balance point. I have been overdoing it for years.
I want to focus this blog now more on day to day life. We all know the issues within the fashion industry, there have been plenty of whistle blowers. I want to focus my eye on what we are doing about it. I would love for this blog to be a place dedicated to exploring recovery in all its forms, not just eating disorders. The ease of which humans get addicted to anything is fascinating to me. There is obviously something very important missing in our lives.
At the end of it all, it feels like every day I am learning so much more about being a human. I am now 27, and I am filled with amazement whenever I manage to pull off something that is completely natural and normal to other humans. It is certainly humbling to be in this position. The older I get, the less I know.
And I am ok with living life wide open.
Starting from now, I will be back to responding to your emails – I have dropped the ball since going on my break. Please forgive me. I needed it. 😀
Peace and love,